good one

 

OK Peter, now you can post a joke about being cruel to animals, but my joke went to far, so need to rethink without up setting the forum,, I would clap at your joke , but as the wearer of bear fur ,I often get tomato sauce given for free, but never on my chips,

 

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Hi Algarve

I do understand what you say. I to have had things taken down that i consider funny but there is a line that you can't cross over. It's ok as far as i see to post something funny but if someone finds it offensive then ok it may be taken down but don't be downhearted just carry on.

Saying that on the screen where there is a THANKS at the side you may see an exclamation mark where if you click it you can report a post or Poster. Now this does come in handy when the online abuse starts.

Good luck and i will be watching for your next Joke.

Peter

 

Woman Drivers

Who really is the worst driver, ladies?.....Enjoy Guys

-
This morning on the Queensway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my tros, and disconnected an important call..

Damn women drivers!

 

2 Gay Guys John and Paul go to the funfair, they meet up with next door neighbors Jean and Gavin, you coming on the big wheel asks the Neighbors, love to says Paul but John is scared of heights , its OK says John I will stay down here and watch, after they all get on the big wheel,
it goes around 3 times then Paul decided to get off and before the big wheel stops, he jumps off hitting his face on the ground, his partner John runs over OMG are you hurt he Asks, yes of course I am , I went around 3 times and not once did you wave.

 

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A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting for me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please

 

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him,
'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No', I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T



I used to like Eric, the little rascal

 

The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy says -


'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

 

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES........



Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with
The same complaint. Both have trouble walking and
Appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour,
Is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for
Surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks
For an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist,
Then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week
And finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?


The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.




The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.


Next time I am ill take me to a vets!

 

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
As they went along they ed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.
Then, later, they ed some people who remarked,
'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
So they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they ed some more people who thought
they were stupid to walk when they had a
decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they ed some people
who shamed them by saying how awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man figured they were probably right,
so they decide to carry the donkey...
As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone,
you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!


Have A Nice Day And
Be Careful With Your Donkey

 

urgent warning! . . .


aliens are coming to earth on friday and their mission is to abduct all good looking and sexy people.

You will be safe,
but i'm just writing to you to say goodbye.

 

Granny do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time.

No darling.

There is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with-
If elected I promise

 

LIE DETECTOR!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John,
'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied....
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John
and del ivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair.

 

Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'


As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to
buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'


The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

 

Reply

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

(A lesson to be learned from
typing the wrong email address!!!!)


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16 , 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

 

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the big hole and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around,
still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from "Going Home" and "The Lord is My Shepherd" to "Flowers of the Forest." I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

Lady - Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was itted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

Hospital - Do you know which ward she is in?

Lady – Yes. Ward P. Room 2B.

Hospital - I'll just put you through to the Nurse Station

Nurse – Hello, Ward P. How can I help?

Lady - I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

Nurse - I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.

Lady - Oh that's wonderful news; I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!

Nurse - You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?

Lady - No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in Room 2B. Nobody tells you dam all in here...!

 

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

 

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3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scottish, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

 

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

 

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The man was so angry when he found his wife in bed with
another man that he punched him unconscious and took him
downstairs and out into the garden shed. When the man
came round he found his penis was chained to the ground
and beside it was a large knife.
“What are you going to do?” he stammered.
“I’m not going to do anything,” smirked the husband, “but
you might want to chop it off to escape the flames when I set
fire to this shed.”

 

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henry Youngman

 

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"The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car
and opening the driver’s door.
They stopped and confronted
him.
“Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive the
car?”
“Of course I am, officer,” he slurred. “I’m in no state to
walk.”

 

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A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"

 

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One day Mike was complaining to his friend my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor. His friend said Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor.
Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs £10.00.


Mike figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited £10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various
lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:


You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water,

avoid heavy labor,

it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Mike began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.


He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited £10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following list


Your water is hard, get a softener.

Your dog has worms, get him shots.

Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic.

Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer.



And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!