I'm just wondering if anyone has encountered the situation of having achieved their visa and ing their spouse or partner, to have their partner begin to resent the money spent on visas? It isn't a cheap undertaking, but that is understood from the very beginning. However, once you have to experience the financial "belt-tightening" in real life, over a period of years, perhaps it becomes more of an issue? Has anyone experienced this? If so, how have you dealt with it? Has anyone left the relationship due to these issues? :confused2: Thanks for any input.

I would hope that the relationship is strong enough to not allow resentment over the cost of the visa to be a real issue. Life usually includes expenses of one kind or another. Medical expenses abroad can be extortionate and put a great deal of strain on individuals or couples. That is just one example. Children cost a lot, sometimes even when they are grown and supposedly independent! If one partner loses their job, the stress can take its toll on a couple.

Waiting for the visa to be issued is stressful for both partners. I when we were deciding whether to apply, we had more arguments than we had ever had before! Visas are not a cheap undertaking and many of us feel it is unfair that we have to pay so much to be with the person we love, but it is as it is and there is no point in resenting the procedure and the cost. After all, in a few years, the visa process will have been completed for all of us and we can then relax and 'enjoy' all the other financial challenges that might well occur in our lives!

 

Thank you for your comment. I completely agree with what you said......unfortunately, it is my husband who suddenly feels it is all my fault.

The agreement and intent of me coming here, rather than him coming to the US, was for me to be able to retire. Since the goal (which I thought we'd agreed upon) was to get debt-free so he can retire sooner than later, we set up a budget and eliminated credit card balances and use. After less than 3 months, he's already had a melt down about how I won't let him spend money and all his hard work isn't getting him anything HE wants.

I'm not sure where to go from here...... This is the second time in the 2.5 years that I've organized his finances and gotten him almost debt free, only for him to do this and get right back into it. Using credit cards here, with the terrible interest rates, is the quickest way to bury yourself; not to mention the resulting continuing monthly overdrafts on his bank .

I just wondered if this was a common issue that is the "elephant in the room" which is never spoken of. We have discussed this several times, he agrees, apologizes and goes along with things, until the resentment builds up and blows up again. Just am at a loss as to how to deal with it.

 

Of course, I did wonder if this problem was a personal one. I am sorry to hear this. Difficult to suggest a solution unless you could come to a compromise. I am sure you are helping him by using your methods but if he is going to feel resentful so often, it may be better to meet him half way. I know that is not what you hoped for but if it helps to sustain the relationship, it might be worth a try. I suspect he is just using the visa as an excuse to place blame!

 

Considering the amounts involved, I wondered if anyone else had experienced this. When you mix in different cultural backgrounds, priorities, etc, I wouldn't be surprised if more couples don't face similar problems. Guess I'm hoping it isn't just me!

 

It is rather unsettling for a relationship to encounter the issues stated and could it be there is something else going on which is creating this unhappy situation? Has Counselling been considered?

 

I asked my GP about counselling and ed the referral he gave me. I didn't pursue it due to scheduling conflicts and fees involved. Thank you for the suggestion though.

 

I've seen this before, the build up to something we know is bad for us which then creates conflict, remorse, self judgement and a whole lot of other inappropriate behaviour towards one's self and others. If in principle he's agreed to stick to the plan but has trouble committing, why not just give him a 'cushion'? i.e. put aside some money every month into a budget where he could blow up on and go to town and back with whenever he wants. He'll soon realize that the longer he waits the bigger the amount he could spend without any judgement from you or causing any harm to your relationship. Self control would be its own reward...But what do I know...

 

Lol! Essentially, that's what I was trying to do. By being careful with the grocery money, I could save a little out of that, but the majority of the savings was to come out of what was left over each month by sticking to the budget. He's been wanting a £500 camera lens, which would require a few months of saving. We'd gotten up to over £300 in savings when he decided he wanted to adopt a dog (last month). So, of course, it would take another 3 months or so of being careful before we would have another £500 to spend. But, since he wants it NOW.......

I don't begrudge him anything, because he does work hard for his money. I was just trying to get him to use savings and cash, rather than debt and credit cards. He gets a thought in his head then stews about it and makes up a whole scenario, which may or may not be accurate, then throws a fit. I'm still trying to understand where he's coming from and how we can work this out, despite our different viewpoints. However, since this is the second go-around in trying to solve the same problem, I'm getting less patient and more discouraged. Thanks for your input.

 

So he doesn't see himself as you do, i.e. wanting what he wants then and then as a problem? Would he accept no overdrafts, and no credit cards, for more flexibility to do what he wants? at least that way, its just one desire replacing the next, without the debt. And would you be willing to give him that kind of flexibility? sorry if it may come out as too pragmatic.

 

That was the whole point of setting up the budget - so he would have money left over to save for whatever he wants, without the interest and constant overdrafts. It wasn't uncommon to lose close to 100 a month just in OD fees. The ultimate goal was to get debt free so he would be able to retire at the earliest date possible, as long as we could get by on what both of us would be getting for retirement. We won't be getting a lot, so there's no way he could maintain his level of debt and quit working as well. I have no debts or monthly bills, except a couple of life insurance policies that I've had for years to benefit my daughter when I die. (Total cost for them is about $52US/month.)

Other than the 30-40 pounds a month that I get as spending money, I spend no funds other than shopping for groceries etc, with him (and his tly agreeing on whatever is bought). I don't drive, so do not go out shopping when he's at work. I'm fine - there really isn't anything I need and when I am old enough, I will be collecting my American Social Security. Except for trips to see my family in the US, there isn't anything I want to spend a lot of money on. lane:

He is just terrible with managing money, and I've HAD to be, to survive all these years, so it is making life difficult. Being pragmatic isn't a problem at all.

 

You are very brave to air the problem and hopefully the words being written are helpful. The problem you both are wrestling with is not uncommon. As a Housing Manager it became part of my function occasionally, when my staff could not solve, to become involved with Tenants who could not handle money even though they were at serious risk of losing their home. In my experience when one partner acted irresponsibly and the other endeavoured to keep the ship afloat, it did need the help of someone outside of the situation. The one at fault, although agreeing with the source of the problem, would tend to feel , sub-consciously, they were being controlled, and that is not a good place for any relationship to be. I found that a couple who were prepared to talk to a Counsellor could usually find a solution which would not cause either to feel anxiety or control.

 

Thank you so much for your understanding and kind words! I am inclined to agree with your assessment. Although this was discussed and agreed to on the surface, it seems quite obvious now, that my husband feels I am trying to control him and the money. Perhaps it was my wishful thinking that made me hope all was well. I appreciate everyone's input. I wouldn't usually go public with this, but was hoping this was a place where I would find others struggling with the same issues and hopefully who have worked things out successfully. Relationships always require hard work on all parts - intercultural ones even more so!!

 

An outside pair of eyes can often see things and find solutions, as those involved cannot see "the wood for the trees".
Best of luck.

 

I too wish you well and hope you find a way of resolving this. Relationships usually require some compromise (I have been married for nearly 50 years in an interracial marriage, so we have had our moments, though maybe surprisingly, not really concerning cultural issues) I am glad you shared and maybe someone else will still come forward to share their own similar experience.

I am the spender in our family and my husband is really good with saving but he is very tolerant of my habits and that is probably why I control myself as much as possible and tend not to spend large amounts. I feel too guilty! I just seem to need to buy SOMETHING! And if I want something it is usually NOW!

So I can relate to your husband, who also appears to have the need to be in control so telling him he cannot have something goes against that sense of control for him. Not that I am saying for one moment that you tell him he cannot have something. It appears to me that you have tackled this problem with great skill and maturity and I commend you for that.

If talking to a counsellor, who would know how to approach these issues, is not possible, is there a family member or a personal friend who your husband trusts, who could intervene?

 

It can be difficult to engage willing Family who may feel some allegiance to one or the other and then be the catalyst of a Family rift. In this case even more so as there are extended Family .
Friends need to be exceptional people as again they may feel some discomfort in trying to help a couple they know well and whose Friendship they value.
The engagement of someone outside of the Family and Friend dynamic would be beneficial all round, however if that is impossible then the former could be used but only as a last resort.

 

I am sorry to hear this...Me and my partner have been in a long distance relationship for many years now and there have been times when I have not been earning a lot of money so I have had to rely on him to pay for my flights to see him. In the end I decided to move to South Africa to be with him. I think because of this he accepts that he has had to take the majority of the financial burden and will continue to do so until I get settled. We both accepted that this was a fair compromise and he knows that I will pay him back whether it be financially or in any other way I can, although he does not expect it or ask for it. I am therefore sorry that your husband has not been so understanding...there are always points in a relationship where one person has to take the burden whether it be financially or emotionally but as long as there is appreciation, understanding and compromise there should not really be an issue. I think talking these things through and always being honest with one another can help. Best of luck and I hope you can work things out!